Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I'm Rough Around the Edges

This is a long post, so grab a cup of tea and feel free to take a break if needed.

The last two days have been a rough.  I'll be honest.  In all efforts to tell it like it is over here in these parts....I've been a hot mess.  I've cried more times everyday than I can count.  Mr. N will ask, what's wrong hon?  And I can't express all the emotions and messiness that I feel inside.  I feel raw and exposed....a little naked if you will. I feel like everyone can just see right through me and see all my sin.

I always have to sit and brew on it for a bit before I can communicate how I'm feeling.  But, I finally think I'm ready.  With Ben headed to Kinder, it made me of course sad that it was the beginning to the end.  Then I think, should I work outside the home?  Shouldn't I just stay home and try to be a good mom?  Then, all my doubts, concerns, feelings of inadequacy just take over in a tornado of crap.  And I turn into a puddle of unhappiness, insecurity, and goo.

Last year, when I went back to school, God granted me the most peace I've ever had about the decision. Not this year sista!  I'm on the fence. Because part of me thinks, I only have three more years with Sam before Kinder....I need to live it up!   But then I am abandoning my hurting students.  What to do?

A sweet, sweet friend Kim sent me a link this morning to here, it's this amazing lady named Glennon who pours out her enormous heart on her blog, momastery.  It was an answered prayer for me today.  She writes about there not being such thing as Carpe Diem.  That sometimes motherhood is hard and not alot of fun.  But other times, it is precious and wonderful.  In those moments, just enjoy it, drink it in.  Don't feel guilty when the poo hits the fan that you are counting down the moments until bedtime. She writes about missing armour needed to deal with this world and feeling awkward, unworthy and exposed.   She cusses and I love it.  She has massive guts to write like she does, because it is scary people. 

So, where I'm at, thanks to Momastery and sweet God is this-

My nakedness allows me to tell the truth without shame or fear and my brokeness is what allows others to trust and love me. My sensitivity is what drives me to feel the pain of others and love them so fiercely.  My compassion is only God's way of whispering to me...."Act Annie!  Do it NOW!  One of my babies is hurting!  HELP them!"  Thus, I will continue to work with my broken, shattered students.  It will make me a better mom, and my children can see that I daily try to help others and make the world a better place.  My actions should always be more than my words.  I want my children and the world to think of me, and only feel LOVE. 

I will try today to be thankful for God always making my heart hurt for others.  I will try to see it as a beautiful magical blessing that he has shared with me, and I will try to do something for his kingdom.  Thanks for reading and supporting me.  I truly cherish you and your thoughts. 

Love and kisses, A

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