Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Hide My Heart

"I am such a deep "feeler" that often times I have to protect a bit what comes my way....I carry stuff greatly. Some people go through their entire life with minimal struggle.  While others lose it all.  Their hearts are shattered and they cry out to God daily to make it another day.  I don't know why that is. 
But the reality of that.
The reality is that it all can change in a moment. 
I carry that. 
Everyday."  From Casey

I try to hide my heart to a certain degree.  I want to protect it and shield it, for I'm afraid it will break.  I have to hold it all together for my little family.  For if I'm off, it all rolls downhill from there. 
 
The truth is this, I've been sad.  I have been sad since Maddy girl passed.  I've been sad that a whole piece of me is gone.  She was intertwined into my life so much....and I didn't even realize it.  As soon as I wake, as I relax in the evening, when I'm cooking, when I get home, I think about her face and how much I miss it.  Her smell. 

The other part that is sad, is that the whole season of our life has passed.   And, the real kicker for me, is that it seems I'm the only one in the family upset and why can't I just move on?  It's been almost two weeks.  Then, from hiding all the pain and hurt, I get tierd and kind of angry.  I'm a sad angry bird.  For reals.  Just ask Mr. N.

My long exit over the holiday was due to the fact that I didn't feel happy-go-lucky. I don't share this for attention or for you to feel sorry for me.  I say this to be 100% authentic to you.  So, I will pray.  I will pray that this depression will pass over me.  That my heart will heal.  A

1 comment:

  1. Oh Annie, I'm so sorry. I completely know what you are going through. A whole year and a half went by after Gator before I quite my sporadic crys from some memory or event that would make me think, "Gator was always with me when we did this," or "Oh where's Gator to be here with me during this?!" Truth is, they are in our hearts for always and so that part of your life doesn't leave you, it stays with you and helps you smile, after a while, knowing that they ARE there with you and they forever will be. They helped shape you to where you are now and it's your turn to help show other's (humans or dogs or anything) about the lessons those precious animals taught you. You are in my prayers.

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