Thursday, January 30, 2014

Party of Four or Five?


I promise not to make each post a heavy hitter, but this one's been in the works for a year. I’ve been putting off sharing about it, and whenever I feel that, I know it’s a topic that needs to be discussed, because others must feel it too. And that maybe, just maybe, by sharing someone out there won't feel alone in this.

How do you know when your family is complete? When are you done having babies? It seems to me that some moms just “know”. I however don’t. I am turning 36 in May and feel the timer a ticking. Pardon my French, but as my family would say, “It’s time to shit or get off the pot.”

How does a mama know when she is 100% done having babies? I’m obviously on the fence, and depending on the day and time the answer might be different. I’ve been praying on this for over a year now. Seriously hard. And the resounding answer that God has given me is to wait. Wait for what I ask? I'm like a three year old not being patient and want my answer NOW! Talk about bringing me down a notch or two.

As this year has gone on, I’ve asked myself some very hard questions and really wrestled with this.

Why have another baby?.....Because my womb is empty?......Or because it would be the best thing for our family?

Do I want a baby because my babies are growing up and I want to prolong the inevitable?

Can I work at a job I love and still be a great mom to three kids?

Is there enough of me to go around? That's a huge one for me....

What strain would that cause on Mr. N and I?

Would Ben and Sam get enough of my love?

Do I have it in me to get up in the nights still and go to work?

Let’s not even mention the financial aspect here…. Having a baby is not really a "logical" choice. The cons on paper will out weigh the pros. It would be heart decision. For sure!

Here are some of the answers that God and I have wrestled with. God has put it on my heart to save “space” or “room” for something else. I don’t know what that other thing is yet. I’m not sure if it’s my at-risk students that require a certain amount of my emotions, or something new. Also, God told me, my measure of being a great mom has nothing to do with how many kids I can wrangle. Be it one or ten. You aren’t a better mom because you can handle more babies. Once you are a mom, you are a MOM. Weather your babies are alive or in heaven.

Instead of just slamming a door shut in my face, God has so very sweetly moved me into that direction. I had never actually seen this tender side of God before. It is precious and yet another reason why I love trying to follow in Christ’s footsteps. I guess after Sam, I thought why not keep going? Obviously, there are some days when Mr. N and I look at each other and say, “And you wanted more?” And other days, I feel the tug at babyhood that has since passed me by. I feel comfortable with my empty womb and not lonely (right this second, that might change in an hour!)

For now, I’m trying to be the best mom possible for my two dudes. To be in the moment, even it’s a crappy one (like this morning). To do all I can to raise loving, caring children who know God’s unconditional love. We'll see if God has different plans....I will just TRUST that He can take care of all of me. If any ladies out there have the answers, please share the wealth.


1 comment:

  1. Oh, Annie. I feel this. The getting older, the never having the feeling that you are "done", but my body & birth stories clearly seeming to say that we are (at least with bio kids). I don't know the answer either - but you are not alone. Adoption may be in our future, but not yet sure if that's what God has for us or what that would even look like. But there is a tension. Wading through whether it will always be a tension of motherhood, or whether it is from God as he prepares us for something (someone) else.

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