Thursday, April 3, 2014

Carrying the Weight

This morning, I went in to wake up my babes to get ready for the day. Ben was upside down on his bed and laying next to Minnie Pearl. He said his "legs hurt". He asked if I could carry him to the sofa so he could watch his morning toon with his bro. Benno is tall and long, and getting heavier by the moment.

When I lifted him up off the bed, I carried him, as I have from his birth...chest to chest.

But now, his legs are long and can wrap around me. The weight of his body is much harder for me to carry. I sit here and cry processing this. How did this happen?? No one warned me of this heart wrecking, gut wrenching love that would abound from me and the grief of my children growing. Even if they could, you can't begin to wrap your brain around it until the moment presents itself. I fear that day, moment, realization when I can no longer carry him. It is close. Too close for comfort.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Of course this scripture pops in my head. I will never be too much for God to carry. I am merely human and cannot do it alone. At Hope Spoken this weekend I had a small freak out moment on Mr. N. {He might disagree about the degree of my freak out.} Mr. N had my boys for the whole weekend. I would have never, ever thought that I had any "control" issues, but God most definitely convicted me of this at Hope Spoken. God went ahead and brought it out in the broad daylight and put me on blast. I couldn't get ahold of Mr. N for three hours straight and I was fit to be tied. Every horrible thought boiled up in me. I didn't know where they were, if they were okay, were they dead? did they need me? why aren't you answering your phone? are you at the hospital? did something happen? on, and on, and on....

I try to pray daily to release my children into God's hands. Sometimes I'm better at it than other days though. Let's be real. If I'm not positive that God is in control of my children, then I will be ruled only by fear. To surrender my hold is hard. Moving forward, I will try my hardest to trust God to take better care of my little ones than I can. My way is flawed, but God's is not. God's way is abundantly more. That is something to take to my knees over. Fo sho.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely MORE than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

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